Author: Sara

Just me... walking this life with Jesus
Posted in Living this Life

Air shows and roller coasters and prayers

Posted on by Sara

For that brief moment, as the ground shook and the sky roared, I could not stop myself from gasping out loud. I looked around me at my sons, and saw the same look on their faces – awe … wonder.

I’ve been thinking about that day alot lately. Also about my journey from where I was to where I am. And about the invisible line in our lives that keeps us in our “safe” little boxes. This strange day brought so many of those pieces together in one gasp.

We went to the air show. It was exciting – there were pilots doing things with planes that no plane is designed to do. We took so many pictures, saw so many stunts, ate good food, enjoyed the music, and generally had a really fun time.

But then the Blue Angels took to the sky, and everything was different. These F/A-18E/F Super Hornets can brag about their power, their speed, their G forces – but all I know is they took my breath away as they roared over my head in a way I had seldom experienced.

Then it was over in a split second, it seemed. But my heart was still racing. And I wondered – when is the last time my heart has raced like that? How often do I experience that “whatness” that is impossible to put into words, but we all know it when we feel it.

As those planes roared overhead, and my mouth hung open, I thought of the words of Jonathan Edwards – that we ought to “be endeavoring by all possible ways to inflame [our] desires and to obtain more spiritual pleasures. . . . Endeavor to promote spiritual appetites by laying yourself in the way of allurement” (Sermon on Canticles)

Allurement – what a weird word. Who says that anymore? I googled it and was told “allurement means fascination, charm, or the power to entice or attract”

I mean – isn’t that pretty much what I felt when those jets roared above me … power to entice or attract? We use other words, but I just couldn’t stop thinking that if I had just stayed home that day and not made an active choice to be where the planes were, I would have missed the moment.

But then more happened… keep walking through that crazy wonderful day with me. Because this next part is what makes me shake my head a bit and lean in to what this all really means.

We left the airshow and meandered over to our favorite amusement park, where they had a concert going on. This concert was a southern gospel staple – not the kind of music I listen to most of the time, but a fun way to end the day. As the concert kicked off, the emcee had a moment of prayer. And as the crowd in the ampitheater grew quiet for prayer, the emcee began to pray, and suddenly we heard screams erupt. Startled, I lifted my head to see what seemed like a strange juxtaposition, and that is when the Holy Spirit spoke loudly to my heart.

Behind the ampitheatre stage where a man stood with his head bowed is the tallest, fastest, steepest spinning roller coaster in the world. And as he said “dear Lord…”, that roller coaster hurtled behind him full of riders screaming in exhileration.

I giggled a little. Then I felt a little bad about giggling in the middle of a prayer. Then I pictured a smile on Jesus’ face – in the middle of it all and realized – there’s something more happening in the middle of all this. What do ground shaking jets, a simple prayer, and screams from a coaster all have in common? That simple phrase, “lay yourself in the way of allurement” kept rolling around in my head.

In this world of self promotion, branding, and influencers, the next great thing is always tugging at us. And that moment – my ears still ringing with the roar of jet engines, and now juxtaposed with the screams of exhileration alongside of a moment of prayer – made me pause: what does it mean to lay yourself in the way of allurement? Is it about seeking out the next adrenaline pumping exhileration and bouncing from one experiential high to the next? Is it the moments of solitude and quiet that comes in prayer? Were the screams of the roller coaster riders interrupting our prayer – or augmenting it?

I’m not here to break it all down for you and give you a simple formulaic answer. But I walk away with a truth in my heart: this wonder in life is all around us – each of us – every day. Whether it is in the ground shaking power of a plane, a quiet moment of prayer, or the unexpected drop of a roller coaster – there is a moment to capture that slips away in just that moment. How are we doing at letting it in? Are we living purposefully in the moments that we are given?

To wake up in the morning and be aware of the firmness of the mattress, the warmth of the sun’s rays, the sound of the clock ticking, the sheer being of things… becom[ing] alive to life… seeing what is there in the world—things that, if we didn’t have, we would pay a million dollars to have, but having them, ignore. Become more alive to beauty. Put your soul on notice that there are daily wonders that will waken worship if we open our eyes. (amended from quote by John Piper)

David captures this thought so perfectly in Psalm 35:7-10: “Both  high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; You give them drink from Your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light”

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: God has filled my life – your life – with innumerable “allurements”. Wonders and beauty and unexpected winks that are meant to “fascinate, charm, entice, and attract”.

Are we seeing it? What clouds our vision? Sometimes the fog of pain can be too thick – life can be so upside down it’s impossible to see through it. That’s real – yet even there, maybe this can help usher in a ray of light. I suspect on most days, however – for most of us – we’re just a bit too distracted. Glowing screens in our faces, the crush of the to-do list, the flurry of life, the decisions and challenges and daily pressures all crowd in and our eyes stop truly seeing.

Entering into this Christmas season with our surroundings decorated and our air filled with different music, maybe this is an invitation to live on purpose. To choose every day to lay yourself in the way of His allurements – to find the treasures He has tucked into your everyday rush that feed your soul with wonder and joy and life. To see and to savor, whether it’s the roar of jet engines, screams from a roller coaster, or just a quiet prayer.

“I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, who call you by your name, am the God of Israel” Isaiah 45:3

Posted in Living this Life

Fortress of cards

Posted on by Sara

There is a turn on a long and lonely road that is imprinted on my soul.

It is exactly at the midway point of somewhere  and the middle of nowhere  – 48 miles from the middle of nowhere, to be precise.

This is the spot where I once heard God speak – perhaps the clearest in all my life.

I found myself on that road again recently, and as my eyes took in the vast miles of barenness, my heart remembered.

It was the most loudly whispered “no” I have ever heard. A “no” that still reverberates in my soul and echoes before me.

Let me back up. It had been a long, hard few years. My soul was as barren as the land it was planted in, and I didn’t know what had gone wrong. I mean, I could describe to you the litany of things that had been hard, but what had gone so wrong in my soul that had left me this dry and parched? What darkness had robbed my joy, and how had it gotten in? I needed to know…

After those long, hard few years, God uprooted me and me family, and our feet took us to a land of rolling hills and green. As we made our home in this new space, my soul began to heal. I found rest – I found myself again. The layers of pain and hard began to peel away and I began to feel alive again.

But I couldn’t shake the question that had been planted in my soul all those years: “what darkness had robbed my joy, and how had it gotten in?” I felt if I could only find the answer to that question, it would be the final key to my healing. The naked truth is – I wanted the control of knowing I could keep it from coming back. If I could only figure out what had gone wrong, I could formulate a life where the darkness could no longer get in, with walls of my own self-will keeping it out.

No matter how peaceful and beautiful life was, there was a constant nagging – like an itch in the back of my soul – that I wasn’t really safe until I knew the answer to that question. What if that darkness crept back in? How would I keep it out? I was desperate to protect myself.

Then that day arrived. The day I was to return to the place where my spirit had been held captive. It was just a visit – and yet the fear was overwhelming. Because God hadn’t answered my cry yet. And I didn’t feel like I could go back to that place – to walk those painful memories – without knowing the key to protecting my vulnerable heart.

The car slowed as it arrived at the town that was the midway point – and then we turned left. I stared out the window – at the flat, barren, red richness of that beautiful land, and my heart screamed at Him in silent desperation: “I need to know NOW! We are out of time. I can’t go back there without an answer…” And that is when He finally spoke.

It was a simple “NO”.

It was a “No” that set me free.

It was as clear to me as if Jesus was sitting next to me in that car. His next words that echoed loudly in my mind were this: “You don’t need to know why. What you need to know is: I was with you”. And that is all He spoke, on that day while we drove on that long and dusty road. Because that is all I needed to hear.

It was a “No” that set me free.

It was in that moment I saw the chains of control that had formed around my heart. He shone His light on the illusion that we can really protect ourselves, and showed me where true safety lies. True peace. True light. I had built a fortress of cards around my heart, thinking it would withstand the hurricane of life – and He needed me to know that the only safe harbor is Him. That in my darkest place, when I forgot who I was, HE never forgot. He never abandoned me. He didn’t expect me get it together and come back to Him when I was fixed … He was with me in it all. “Your walls are ever before me” (Isaiah 49:16) “ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands” (Isaiah 49:16)

Let me be clear. It is one thing to acknowledge that our peace, our joy, or safety doesn’t come from our physical circumstances. But there is another distinction that must be made, and it is this: We say we trust Jesus – but what we mean is that we trust what Jesus will do for us. We ask Him for help – we say we trust Him to provide. But what if His provision is simply His presence?

Let’s back up a few thousand years – to an old man in a desert, arguing with the God of the Universe over the disobedience of a throng of people that God  has relentlessly saved. God has finally decided to send them on their way without Him; nonetheless, He wouldn’t abandon them alone in the desert. He promised to provide for them, to send an angel to walk with them and protect them … aren’t these the very things, the provision and safety, that our needy hearts yearn for?  And yet Moses knew so much more than we do, and he pleaded with God, “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here…” (Ex 33:15)

Let’s race forward 400 years, to David, the man after God’s own heart. The man who knew from experience that even in “the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” (Ps 23) He had lived in fields with the sheep and in the palace of the king and his summary of it all that was, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my life and my portion forever” (Ps 73:26) 

His presence – our portion.  My friend, there are so many more I could tell you about, but the most important words rest in the very promises of God Himself. Read these – just a few of the innumerable verses that help us remember … and let them envelop you in a cloud of promise and strength. Whatever deep need you are facing, there is an answer, and the greatest answer He can give us is His presence. Rest in His embrace. Let Him be your portion and let your heart be free to rest in the only true safety we will ever find.

 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Ps 46:1)

“He will hide me in His shelter on the day of trouble” (Ps 27:5) “

“I will be a hiding place for you,” says the Lord, “a fortress in the day of trouble.” (Jer 17:17)

“For you, O Lord, are a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of distress” (Ps 9:9)

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge, and my Savior” (2 Sam 22:2-3)

 “As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; He shields all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.” (2 Sam 22:31-33)

“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety” (Ps 4:8)  

“I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure” (Ps 16:8-9)

So …what about that day last month when we took that left turn? My heart trembled once again – but this time in eagerness and joy. I longed to touch that red soil one more time and remember – like the Israelites of old who set monuments in places where they had encountered God. In the shadow of my hard memories, the faithfulness of God shines like a beacon. My heart remembers – and I am glad.

Posted in Living this Life

Dragons on the highway

Posted on by Sara

My husband grumbled about the semi blocking us on our journey today. I found myself quipping, “he’s just a great dragon set on thwarting the adventures that lie ahead of us”

You may laugh such things off as a touch of silliness to start the day. But it ties into so much more … so here we go.

Things I’ve been thinking about lately:
How we let the world grow dull around us because we stop SEEING the wonder and beauty that is sprinkled around us like the fingerprints of God.
I am grasping for ways to rediscover, to open my eyes, to let the wonder in.

So today, as I sit in a car for 7 hours, looking ahead at a week filled with a lot of responsibilities, distractions, burdens, some drudgery (we call that laundry), and many joys, I find myself thinking of the words we use to frame our days and the difference it makes on our perspective. On how we approach the hours we have.

If you’ve read this far, you’re probably feeling alot of the same. So read on… I feel like I’m sitting in the shadow of GK Chesterton as I write these words, so I shall share his words directly. Hopefully you get a good chuckle out of some of this and find yourself chuckling (and thinking in larger ways) at different mundane moments in your own day!

Chesterton wrote in the early 1900’s. He road a train to work and read a newspaper instead of scrolling on his phone. Otherwise his routine feels much like ours. This particular segment is taken from a letter to his fiancée describing a typical day in his life written from two different perspectives.

WHAT WE SAY HAPPENS EVERY DAY

What we all say happens every day is this:
I wake up
dress myself
eat bacon and bread and coffee for breakfast
walk up to High St. Station
take a fourpenny ticket for Blackfriars
read the Chronicle in the train
arrive at 11, read a manuscript…
[I] go out to lunch…
come back, work till six,
take my hat and walking-stick and come home
have dinner at home
write the novel till 11
then write to you and go to bed.
“That is what we, in our dreamy, deluded way, really imagine is the thing that happens.”

WHAT REALLY HAPPENS EVERY DAY
The Wonder of Waking Up
“Out of the starless night of the Uncreated, that was before the stars, a soul begins to grope back to light. It gropes its way through strange, half-lighted chambers of Dreams, where in a brown and gold twilight, it sees many things that are dimly significant, true stories twisted into new and amazing shapes, human beings whom it knew long ago, sitting at the windows by dark sunsets, or talking in dim meadows.
“But the awful invading Light grows stronger in the dreams, till the soul in one last struggle, plunges into a body, as into a house and wakes up within it.”

Getting Out of Bed
“Then he rises and finds himself in a wonderful vast world of white light and clear, frankly colored shapes, an inheritor of a million stars. On enquiry he is informed that his name is Gilbert Keith Chesterton. This amuses him.”

Dressing
“He goes through a number of extraordinary and fantastic rituals; which the pompous elfland he has entered demands.
“The first is that he shall get inside a house of clothing, a tower of wool and flax; that he shall put on this foolish armor solemnly, one piece after another and each in its right place. The things called sleevelinks he attends to minutely. His hair he beats angrily with a bristly tool. For this is the Law.

Eating
“Downstairs a more monstrous ceremony attends him. He has to put things inside himself. He does so, being naturally polite. Nor can it be denied that a weird satisfaction follows.”

Buying a Train Ticket
“He takes a sword in his hand (for what may not befall him in so strange a country!) and goes forth. He finds a hole in the wall, a little cave wherein sits One who can give him the charm that rules the horse of water and fire.”
Getting On the Underground Train
“He finds an opening and descends into the bowels of the earth. Down, among the roots of the Eternal hills, he finds a sunless temple wherein he prays. And in the center of it he finds a lighted temple in which he enters.
“Then there are noises as of an earthquake and smoke and fire in the darkness: and when he opens the door again he is in another temple, out of which he climbs into another world, leagues and leagues away. And when he asks the meaning of the vision, they talk gibberish and say, ‘It is a train’.”

Work and Dinner
“So the day goes, full of eerie publishers and elfin clerks, till he returns and again puts things inside him, and then sits down and makes men in his own head and writes down all that they said and did. And last of all comes the real life itself.”

Writing Out His Thoughts
“For half-an-hour he writes words upon a scrap of paper, words that are not picked and chosen like those that he has used to parry the strange talk of the fold all day, but words in which the soul’s blood pours out, like the body’s blood from a wound.
“He writes secretly this mad diary,
all his passion and longing,
all his queer religion,
his dark and dreadful gratitude to God,
his idle allegories,
the tales that tell themselves in his head;
the joy that comes on him sometimes (he cannot help it) at the sacred intoxication of existence:
the million faults of idleness and recklessness and the one virtue of the unconquered adoration of goodness,
that dark virtue that every man has, and hides deeper than all his vices!”

Mailing the Letter
“He writes all this down as he is writing it now. And he knows that if he sticks it down and puts a stamp on it and drops it into the mouth of a little red goblin at the corner of the street – he knows that all this world soliloquy will be poured into the soul of one wise and beautiful lady sitting far away beyond seas and rivers and cities.