Tag: believe

Posted in Living this Life

Cutting through the fog

Posted on by Sara

“Open your mouth wide and I will fill it” … what a funny phrase to have running through my head all day. It just popped in there and wouldn’t stop, like when you hear that ear worm song that’s on repeat all day long. So I wandered around the amusement park that day in December when all of this began, a bit bemused and filled with curiosity.

As I sit down to write, it is now a couple months later. I have a story to tell, but it is very incomplete, and I have to confess I am still a bit bemused and filled with curiosity over what God is doing. So I invite you into the middle of this story as I travel this road with Jesus.

A little context: over the last 5 years, I have walked an unreasonably complicated and beautiful adventure, experienced the heavens opening in provision in ways I could never anticipate and all the tumult that comes with it. At times I have felt a bit like Peter trying to figure out how to handle the fish overflowing his boat (Luke 5) – all filled with wonder and yet overwhelmed at the realities of all that it practically means when you feel your boat is about to sink from all the wonder.

In the last year, God has been showing me a beautifully intimate form of personal care – a friend giving me a grill when mine is wearing out, a loveseat that matches my decor perfectly right when I was looking for a new chair to replace the one I’ve had for 15 years… small details that don’t mean much in the grand scheme, but declare to this heart that God sees, and He who sees the sparrows cares about the intricate details of our lives as well.

So when God started whispering these beautiful, simple words to my heart, I started to look up in expectation and wonder at what He is promising. I found the origin of the words in Psalm 81: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it”. I read further… I opened commentaries and dove a bit deeper. And I discovered these words from Spurgeon that captured my heart:

“When the mother-bird brings food she never has to ask the little ones to open their mouths wide; her only difficulty is to fill the great width which they are quite sure to present to her: appetite and eagerness are never lacking, they are utterly insatiable…picture a nest of little birds reaching up their mouths, and all opening them as wide as they can.”

Hey Spurgeon – guess what? I have that exact picture because that is precisely what happens in my backyard every spring!

Do you see what I see when you look at this picture? The utter helplessness of those baby birds to provide for themselves? The wide open expectancy of those beaks on hearing the sound of their mother approaching? My heart leaped at this realization – this is how God is asking me to live my life! No more chasing after my own means of provision, no more carrying the constant burden of control. Just release and open my mouth, expectantly waiting for God to fill it. I read on, and my heart beats faster:

“You may easily over-expect the creature, but you cannot over-expect God, ‘Open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it;’ widen and dilate the desires and expectations of your souls, and God is able to fill every chink to the vastest capacity… Our cup is small, and we blame the fountain. (Spurgeon)

I read these words and resolve: I no longer want to live in small expectation, carrying memories of disappointments and longings not satisfied. I want to widen my desires and expand my expectations of what God will do for me.

As children, we have big dreams and high expectations of life. But then the reality of bills and sicknesses and unmet expectations hit, and our hearts begin to shrivel. Cynicism sets in, we diminish our expectations because we fear disappointment, and we begin to close our mouth to God. In fact, the rest of Ps 81 speaks directly to that, and the sorrow God feels over our lack of trust.

So I set my heart to release more and trust as a child. I ask Him to help me believe – to help me see Him as a God who provides without limit. But how? How do we see beyond the loss and the pain and the drama and the material wants and the demands of others and the distractions of our tech driven world – how do we see beyond our current mud puddle to the offer of a holiday at the sea?1 To not wonder where or how the provision will come, but only to look to the heavens with curious expectation, watching for His hand to fulfill His promise. “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it”.

Let me tell you what has happened in the last 2 months since all this took place and I set my heart to trust. It is the tale of a two cars, a dryer, a diamond, and some other stuff.

We have two cars. One is the newer “good” car, the other one we bought when I was pregnant with our first child…. it is now over 20 years old, has 265,000 miles on it, and I call it “Old Faithful” because it just never stops running. Warning lights start flashing on the “good car”, and despite attempts to get it diagnosed and fixed, we found ourselves stranded on the side of the road one night while driving our daughter home for Christmas break. Yet He says,”Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it…”

Multiple visits to multiple garages resulting in multiple bills finally led us to a more expensive garage who would diagnose a more expensive repair … but it’s our main car and we need it, so we go ahead and stretch our finances to get it repaired. “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it…”

On a Monday like any other, just a couple weeks ago, while driving “Old Faithful” from Walmart to Taco Bell to pick up lunch for my boys, someone turned into me and totaled good “Old Faithful”. Gratefully, I am not totaled, and as we get the newer car back from the garage, we begin to hunt for a replacement vehicle for the one that was just wrecked. “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it…”

Then there’s the ring … and the day I look down at my hand and discover the diamond that has been there every day of our marriage these 23 years is now missing… “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it…”

And on the day of a massive winter storm… our dryer stops working. “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it…”

Our car shopping is turning up empty thus far… “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it…”

And just this morning, as we drive to church, the newer car that we have dumped more money into than we would have anticipated is now flashing all the warning lights that is has been giving us for the last 2 months, and it appears we are back at square one. “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it…”

So here I sit on this chilly Sunday afternoon, aware that my current circumstances are not matching the expectation in the promise I have been receiving from God. I asked Him to help me believe – and it seems He is doing the opposite.

Do you hear it in the air? That temptation to listen to that great lie the enemy of our souls has been whispering since the beginning of time? That voice that says, “did God really say…?”

So I have a choice to make. It’s a choice that each of us face every day of our lives.

Will I let my current circimstances define my belief in God’s promises – or will God’s promises define how I see my circumstances?

As I sit here on this chilly Sunday afternoon, I think of these words from Scripture: “For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him [Jesus]. (2 Corinthians 1:20)

And these: “Every word of God proves true. He is a shield to all who come to Him for protection” Proverbs 30:5

And “my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:19)

So I say it again: Will I let my current circimstances define my belief in God’s promises – or will God’s promises define how I see our circumstances?

How do you then reconcile a life that doesn’t seem to be lining up with the promises you thought you were hearing from God? It is easy to sit here, on this chilly Sunday afternoon, and resent God for promising good things while my situation continues to worsen. I mean, let’s be honest – my situation isn’t even that bad. It’s just earth stuff and inconveniences I’m grappling with. There is so much life-and-death struggle all around us: traumas and hurts and insecurities and fears pressing in. How do we cut through the fog to understand what God is really promising us?

And I think that might be the key question right there– how do we cut through the fog?

How do we understand that “Now we see through a glass dimly” (1 Corinthians 13)? Peter demonstrated this when he stepped out of the boat, eyes on Jesus, and against all odds found his feet walking on top of the waves. His feet remained steady while His eyes were on Jesus. Trust cuts through the fog. Trust hushes the challenging voice of the enemy, calms the restless heart, and releases the controlling compulsions. Trust chooses to believe what is true when the world feeds us false visions of a tainted reality.

Trust chooses what to see. My story tells of a lost diamond – but it doesn’t include the gift of an old ring that might help replace what was lost. My story tells of a broken dryer right when we needed a touch of encouragement. A week later, a hand-me-down dryer was delivered, and just this weekend we celebrated fresh laundry and clean, dry clothes! My story doesn’t include the day my husband left to get groceries and came home with 3 dozen eggs that were being given out for free by generous souls who wanted to bless others. As I crack those eggs into our French Toast this morning, I thank God for providing for us in unexpected winks from Him that tell me He sees, He cares, I am safe in His hands. Then there was a “random” gift handed to my husband as we entered church (just 30 minutes after those warning lights started flashing again) – a very specific gift given by a friend who knows my husband loves the’80’s. This friend didn’t know the discouragement that had just hit us, but he came armed with encouragement right when we needed it. There are so many lavish blessings that surround us, and we miss them because our myopia only repeats to us the stories of loss. So we rejoice, we give thanks, while we continue to live in this thin place between what is and what will be. “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16)

Trust means we know that His vision is so much clearer than ours. It means knowing that we see today and maybe part of tomorrow – He sees all eternity, and “all my days … written in Your book and ordained for me before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16)

Trust teaches us the beauty of Paul’s words reminding us to look beyond our circumstances: “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want…” (Philippians 4:12)

Trust tells me that while I am restlessly wondering how the bills will all get paid and how we will meet the needs we currently have, Jesus says, ““Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Mt 6:25-27)

Trust believes that the firmness of His promises are more sure than the mirages we see all around us. Trust tells me to “open your mouth wide, and I will fill it”.

So today, on this chilly Sunday afternoon, I choose to trust His promises. I know His timing is often different than mine, and that “His ways are not my ways” (Isaiah 55:8). And so I lay down control and that crazy, constant urge to “fix it” myself – and I let His promises speak louder to me than my fears. I will dig up the deep promises of His Word every day, and I will choose to let them define that day’s circumstances for me. I will do this with every sunrise and every sunset, for “His mercies are new every morning” and “from the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised” And when I falter, He promises to help even in that (Romans 8:26).

And that’s my story. At least all has been written on the pages of my life so far. But it is enough. Some stories are about what happens in the middle.

“Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it…”

it looks a little like this:

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23)

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1 “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” (C.S. Lewis)

Posted in Living this Life

Air shows and roller coasters and prayers

Posted on by Sara

For that brief moment, as the ground shook and the sky roared, I could not stop myself from gasping out loud. I looked around me at my sons, and saw the same look on their faces – awe … wonder.

I’ve been thinking about that day alot lately. Also about my journey from where I was to where I am. And about the invisible line in our lives that keeps us in our “safe” little boxes. This strange day brought so many of those pieces together in one gasp.

We went to the air show. It was exciting – there were pilots doing things with planes that no plane is designed to do. We took so many pictures, saw so many stunts, ate good food, enjoyed the music, and generally had a really fun time.

But then the Blue Angels took to the sky, and everything was different. These F/A-18E/F Super Hornets can brag about their power, their speed, their G forces – but all I know is they took my breath away as they roared over my head in a way I had seldom experienced.

Then it was over in a split second, it seemed. But my heart was still racing. And I wondered – when is the last time my heart has raced like that? How often do I experience that “whatness” that is impossible to put into words, but we all know it when we feel it.

As those planes roared overhead, and my mouth hung open, I thought of the words of Jonathan Edwards – that we ought to “be endeavoring by all possible ways to inflame [our] desires and to obtain more spiritual pleasures. . . . Endeavor to promote spiritual appetites by laying yourself in the way of allurement” (Sermon on Canticles)

Allurement – what a weird word. Who says that anymore? I googled it and was told “allurement means fascination, charm, or the power to entice or attract”

I mean – isn’t that pretty much what I felt when those jets roared above me … power to entice or attract? We use other words, but I just couldn’t stop thinking that if I had just stayed home that day and not made an active choice to be where the planes were, I would have missed the moment.

But then more happened… keep walking through that crazy wonderful day with me. Because this next part is what makes me shake my head a bit and lean in to what this all really means.

We left the airshow and meandered over to our favorite amusement park, where they had a concert going on. This concert was a southern gospel staple – not the kind of music I listen to most of the time, but a fun way to end the day. As the concert kicked off, the emcee had a moment of prayer. And as the crowd in the ampitheater grew quiet for prayer, the emcee began to pray, and suddenly we heard screams erupt. Startled, I lifted my head to see what seemed like a strange juxtaposition, and that is when the Holy Spirit spoke loudly to my heart.

Behind the ampitheatre stage where a man stood with his head bowed is the tallest, fastest, steepest spinning roller coaster in the world. And as he said “dear Lord…”, that roller coaster hurtled behind him full of riders screaming in exhileration.

I giggled a little. Then I felt a little bad about giggling in the middle of a prayer. Then I pictured a smile on Jesus’ face – in the middle of it all and realized – there’s something more happening in the middle of all this. What do ground shaking jets, a simple prayer, and screams from a coaster all have in common? That simple phrase, “lay yourself in the way of allurement” kept rolling around in my head.

In this world of self promotion, branding, and influencers, the next great thing is always tugging at us. And that moment – my ears still ringing with the roar of jet engines, and now juxtaposed with the screams of exhileration alongside of a moment of prayer – made me pause: what does it mean to lay yourself in the way of allurement? Is it about seeking out the next adrenaline pumping exhileration and bouncing from one experiential high to the next? Is it the moments of solitude and quiet that comes in prayer? Were the screams of the roller coaster riders interrupting our prayer – or augmenting it?

I’m not here to break it all down for you and give you a simple formulaic answer. But I walk away with a truth in my heart: this wonder in life is all around us – each of us – every day. Whether it is in the ground shaking power of a plane, a quiet moment of prayer, or the unexpected drop of a roller coaster – there is a moment to capture that slips away in just that moment. How are we doing at letting it in? Are we living purposefully in the moments that we are given?

To wake up in the morning and be aware of the firmness of the mattress, the warmth of the sun’s rays, the sound of the clock ticking, the sheer being of things… becom[ing] alive to life… seeing what is there in the world—things that, if we didn’t have, we would pay a million dollars to have, but having them, ignore. Become more alive to beauty. Put your soul on notice that there are daily wonders that will waken worship if we open our eyes. (amended from quote by John Piper)

David captures this thought so perfectly in Psalm 35:7-10: “Both  high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; You give them drink from Your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light”

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: God has filled my life – your life – with innumerable “allurements”. Wonders and beauty and unexpected winks that are meant to “fascinate, charm, entice, and attract”.

Are we seeing it? What clouds our vision? Sometimes the fog of pain can be too thick – life can be so upside down it’s impossible to see through it. That’s real – yet even there, maybe this can help usher in a ray of light. I suspect on most days, however – for most of us – we’re just a bit too distracted. Glowing screens in our faces, the crush of the to-do list, the flurry of life, the decisions and challenges and daily pressures all crowd in and our eyes stop truly seeing.

Entering into this Christmas season with our surroundings decorated and our air filled with different music, maybe this is an invitation to live on purpose. To choose every day to lay yourself in the way of His allurements – to find the treasures He has tucked into your everyday rush that feed your soul with wonder and joy and life. To see and to savor, whether it’s the roar of jet engines, screams from a roller coaster, or just a quiet prayer.

“I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, who call you by your name, am the God of Israel” Isaiah 45:3

Posted in Living this Life

the e-mail

Posted on by Sara

I could tell by the subject line that I didn’t want to open the e-mail.

Yet, I knew by the subject line that I just had to open the e-mail and read the words I didn’t want to read.

It was true. Another place closing. Another place that I love – gone.

Thing is, this isn’t just another place. I drove by one of my favorite restaurants the other day and saw the for sale sign. That was a bummer. This was different. This hit deep, and I suddenly didn’t know how to process it.

It’s one of those places that I have never been able to get out of my soul. One of the first places I understood the word “home”. In a life of feeling perpetually out of place, this was a place that welcomed misfits like me and gave us a sense of belonging.

It was my sophomore year of college – that summer when I walked through the doors of a The Shelter, a youth hostel in the middle of the city of Amsterdam on the edge of the red light district.

I had no idea God would forever change the trajectory of my life that summer. That He would show me who I was created to be and that I would never be satisfied settling for anything else.

I went back after college and spent a year in those walls – eager to learn, eager to meet people from around the world, eager to share my Jesus with them. God used that place to forever alter my life.

You may say it’s just a building surrounded by a multitude of other buildings. But it was on that rooftop I would pace when I felt my world crumbling around me – I would pace back and forth – praying and pleading with God for His Truth.

It was in that dining room where I would eat with people from around the world – Laughing, singing, talking, doing life together.

It was in that kitchen where I learned to make Moussaka and Boerenkool. But it’s really the place I learned that the simple act of spending a day cutting onions and peeling mounds of potatoes can carve out quiet places to let the Spirit in.

It was in that snack bar where I would discuss the beauty of my Jesus with a Spanish traveler who had just from a Tibetan monastery. Where I would pore over the Scriptures and rest in the peace of the Psalms with my friend Jess, a gay prostitute who was desperately hungry for balm for a hurting soul.

It’s where I learned not to fear the questions – for if you keep looking you will find the Truth. It just takes a lot of courage to face the real questions and a lot of persistence to uncover the answers. It’s where I saw that we aren’t really all that different under the surface – where a smile has the power to transcend all cultural, racial, and political differences. And sometimes when trying to register a group of 20 travelers who don’t speak English, a smile is all you have.

It’s where I learned to love shoarma and frites with mayo. And I learned the value of knowing how to ask for coffee with whipped cream in Dutch (Koffie met slagroom, alstublieft)

So I read the e-mail, and as the truth soaked in that they were having to close their doors due to the current condition of our world, the tears started to fall. Not just for all the faces I saw, the people I had come to love, the memories I cherished… I wept for the loss of a place to return to.

Oh how the heart longs to remember what fades so quickly! How often we long to return to places that matter because they remind us of who we were. More importantly, of who God is and what He has done. And I don’t have many of those places…

Growing up in the jungles of Africa was an unmitigated blessing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But my home no longer exists – the ravages of war destroyed my childhood village many years ago, and I will never be able to take my family to the place I grew up. I can show them the country as it is, but it will forever be a different place than the home I knew.

So all these years, my heart has clung to this special place on the edge of the red light district in Amsterdam. I longed for the day I could show my family the place where God changed the course of my life. Where I learned how real He truly is and discovered that He really will catch us when the world crumbles around us. I have walked through those old hallways with my family so many times in my mind – just waiting for the day it could become reality.

And I wept for the loss of that opportunity.

God has placed eternity in the heart of man (Ecclesiastes 3:11) – and yet we try to fit this small earth around that. We grasp for the ideal of an unchangeable good – a place where our hearts feel safe. But buildings crumble and heroes let us down.. What do we do then? Construct new idols? New mirages of control or illusions of contentment? Or do we reject the stuff of earth and place all our hope firmly and only on heaven?

We’ve all experienced loss this year. And I know my story is light compared to the life changing loss many have endured. But we all share this one thing – longings for something we may not be able to return to. It comes out in grief, sorrow, rage, cynicism, depression… and I wonder – what do we do with all these feelings?

When the longings start and we are torn between what is and our nostalgic memory of what was … we often think we have to choose between the two. Instead of rushing past the callback, why don’t we linger a couple more minutes and let it bloom into something of beauty? What if we’re experiencing a foretaste, a promise, a shadow of what is to come? In His moments of greatest agony on earth, Jesus looked to the “joy set before Him”. (Hebrews 12:2)

Do you see it? Can you smell it? The welcoming notes of the fresh baked bread? The delicate aroma of flowers we have yet to discover? We blush and call it childish nostalgia – but could it be so much more?

“In speaking of this desire for our own far off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel a certain shyness. I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you—the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves… These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.” CS Lewis

So today i don’t think I’m going to wipe these tears away too quickly. I think instead I’ll try to just rest in the magic of the mystery. To let the ache in my heart intensify my longing for heaven – that great unending good that will never be taken from us. That we will never outgrow, move away from, or lose. This is the gift.

“For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come.” Hebrews 13:14