Tag: faith

“Well, that’s weird”, she said. And then she walked away, leaving an indelible mark on my heart.

It was 1989. My family had moved from Africa to Los Angeles, and I was thrown into a Southern California high school after spending the first 14 years of my life in the jungles of West Africa. (anyone getting Mean Girls vibes here yet?) This was a mixer to get to know people before the first day of school, and some cheerleaders were supposed to be welcoming us. So she smiled brightly, asked me where I was from, and I eagerly told her, “I’m from Africa”.

Looking back, I kind of feel sorry for her. She probably expected me to just say Pasadena or Sierra Madre like most others in that room, so when the word, “Africa” came out of my mouth, what was she suppose to do? There is no script for that when you’re in high school in So Cal… so she applied the only label she probably knew – “weird” – and then walked away. Leaving me standing there, feeling … well, weird, I guess.

Sometimes I remember that moment, and I feel that blush of shame start to crawl up my neck again. There’s something worse than feeling invisible – and that is feeling wrong. Like the whole world is one way, and you are another – and there’s nothing you can do about it.

So you bumble along, figuring the best you can do is pretend. You wear the clothes, play the part, don the mask, and yet feel so out of place in every place you go.

My whole life until then, I was the blond kid in a sea of beautiful brown faces. I may have looked out of place – even weird, you might say – but it was my home and it felt right.

But then it all changed. Suddenly, I looked like I fit in, but nothing inside of me belonged. And that brings a whole other set of confusion, insecurity, and identity conflict.

There were alot of years spent walking in the shadow of that branding … the word weird almost became my identity. I know I’m not alone – in fact many who are reading this have echoes of much worse names spoken over them by those much closer to them than a random cheerleader at a high school event. People who were supposed to protect you and honor you, but instead spoke words filled with lies and deceit into your soul.

My own story led me down many roads and into many different communities where I found bits and pieces of myself, but none could ever define all of me. In Amsterdam, I found a community I could relate to in a wonderful world of misfit travellers who collectively didn’t belong anywhere. It was perhaps the most “at home” I had felt in that sense… but it wasn’t my home. On a beautiful Native American reservation, I found echoes of my life in Africa, and I built a life there, despite once again seeming so out of place. It still feels like home to me, but even that place filled with memories of my wedding day, my babies being babies, much laughter and many tears – even that place doesn’t define me.

So here we are … and I have questions.

When you sit before God in the cool of the day, and let your soul be unclothed, what does He see? And what do you see? Do those two visions align or do you find yourself with a splintered identity?

Could it be that we are living lives designed by a Creator, with beautiful and unique giftings, but we see ourselves through imperfect eyes – and that disconnect between the vision God has of us and our own vision of ourselves leaves an insecurity and brokennes imprinted on our souls. So we live with a splintered identity in the shadow of the lies spoken over us, making life decisions, choosing careers, marrying (or staying single) and raising families (or not) … all while being defined by this discordant note.

Lean in – listen to this! This next part takes my breath away. I love the promises of Scripture, and I have spent years reading and learning and seeking to apply to my life the truth of who God says I actually am… and yet I had never seen this until my 50th year. My year of Jubilee.

In a desert land He found him,
    in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
    He guarded him as the apple of His eye. (Dt 32:10)

This is a promise I have always loved, and while finding the phrase “apple of His eye” rather endearing, it sounds like something echoing from the hallways of the 1800’s, doesn’t it? I struggled to find much significance in the phrase until I found myself studying this passage in depth to prepare to teach one day… and I decided it was time to learn what that phrase really meant. Allow me a moment to nerd out over words here, because this little insight has transformed how I see myself!

Here is the image of the Hebrew word we read as “apple” in our Bibles today:

Which translates literally as the “the little man of the eye”.

I have so many more questions at this point. How does a “little man” translate to “apple” and what does all of that even mean in light of God’s promises to you and me?

Hold on – this gets really cool! What this describes is that moment you look into someone’s eye, and their pupil (the apple of their eye) catches the light and reflects a mirrored image of yourself back to you. A “little man of the eye” … kind of like this:

Is your heart beating a little faster? Do you hear what I hear in this beautiful little Hebrew phrase?

We can only see the true image of ourselves when we look into our Father’s eye, into the apple of His eye, and see our reflection gazing back at us.

Which means – we need to draw close. Lay aside all the tormenting lies and self doubts. Lay down all the aspirations and self-help motivational speeches. Turn down what your family and community and successes and failures and echoes in your head say about you. Lay it all down, and gaze into His eyes. Let your soul be stripped down of all the ways we guard ourselves, and in this vulnerable space, look deep into His eyes and see yourself for who you truly are.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:14-16)

My friend, do you believe that?

You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,
    a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
    or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah, (which means “my delight is in her”)
    and your land Beulah;
for the Lord will take delight in you. Is 62:3-4

You are His workmanship, His poem¹ you are royalty and you are holy² . You are righteous³_, you are a temple⁴ , you are free⁵, you are a jewel⁶, you are honored⁷_, and you are protected⁸ You are delighted in⁹, you are chosen and precious¹⁰_, you are complete¹¹, you are loved¹²_, and you have a purpose¹³. You need not fear or be discouraged¹⁴ , you are bold, imbued with power, love, and self-discipline¹⁵.

Draw near, my friend!. Gaze in His eyes. Don’t look away – keep at it until you see your reflection in there… see who He is and who He made you to be. Only then is our reflection true, trustworthy, and sure. Only then do the voices from within and without that taunt us start to fade and become irrelevant. Only then do our feet find a firm foundation, and we can truly align our identity with the one our Creator designed us to be.

This brings peace. The kind that doesn’t get rocked by our circumstances. That sweet cheerleader had no idea the road she was putting me on back in 1989, and today I am grateful for the label she put on me – for it made me draw closer to my Creator to discover who He truly made me to be. I kind of like how Dr. Seuss puts it: “today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you!”

1. Ephesians 2:10 ↩︎
2. 1 Peter 2:9 ↩︎
3. Isaiah 54:14 ↩︎
4. 1 Corinthians 6:19 ↩︎
5. Zechariah 9:11-12 ↩︎
6. Zechariah 9:17 ↩︎
7. Isaiah 49:5 ↩︎
8. Zechariah 2:8 ↩︎
9. Zephaniah 3:17 ↩︎
10. Isaiah 28:16 ↩︎
11. Colossians 2:10 ↩︎
12. Romans 5:8 ↩︎
13. Jeremiah 29:11; 1 Peter 2:9b ↩︎
14. Joshua 1:9 ↩︎
15. 2 Timothy 1:7 ↩︎