Tag: fear

Posted in Living this Life

Fortress of cards

Posted on by Sara

There is a turn on a long and lonely road that is imprinted on my soul.

It is exactly at the midway point of somewhere  and the middle of nowhere  – 48 miles from the middle of nowhere, to be precise.

This is the spot where I once heard God speak – perhaps the clearest in all my life.

I found myself on that road again recently, and as my eyes took in the vast miles of barenness, my heart remembered.

It was the most loudly whispered “no” I have ever heard. A “no” that still reverberates in my soul and echoes before me.

Let me back up. It had been a long, hard few years. My soul was as barren as the land it was planted in, and I didn’t know what had gone wrong. I mean, I could describe to you the litany of things that had been hard, but what had gone so wrong in my soul that had left me this dry and parched? What darkness had robbed my joy, and how had it gotten in? I needed to know…

After those long, hard few years, God uprooted me and me family, and our feet took us to a land of rolling hills and green. As we made our home in this new space, my soul began to heal. I found rest – I found myself again. The layers of pain and hard began to peel away and I began to feel alive again.

But I couldn’t shake the question that had been planted in my soul all those years: “what darkness had robbed my joy, and how had it gotten in?” I felt if I could only find the answer to that question, it would be the final key to my healing. The naked truth is – I wanted the control of knowing I could keep it from coming back. If I could only figure out what had gone wrong, I could formulate a life where the darkness could no longer get in, with walls of my own self-will keeping it out.

No matter how peaceful and beautiful life was, there was a constant nagging – like an itch in the back of my soul – that I wasn’t really safe until I knew the answer to that question. What if that darkness crept back in? How would I keep it out? I was desperate to protect myself.

Then that day arrived. The day I was to return to the place where my spirit had been held captive. It was just a visit – and yet the fear was overwhelming. Because God hadn’t answered my cry yet. And I didn’t feel like I could go back to that place – to walk those painful memories – without knowing the key to protecting my vulnerable heart.

The car slowed as it arrived at the town that was the midway point – and then we turned left. I stared out the window – at the flat, barren, red richness of that beautiful land, and my heart screamed at Him in silent desperation: “I need to know NOW! We are out of time. I can’t go back there without an answer…” And that is when He finally spoke.

It was a simple “NO”.

It was a “No” that set me free.

It was as clear to me as if Jesus was sitting next to me in that car. His next words that echoed loudly in my mind were this: “You don’t need to know why. What you need to know is: I was with you”. And that is all He spoke, on that day while we drove on that long and dusty road. Because that is all I needed to hear.

It was a “No” that set me free.

It was in that moment I saw the chains of control that had formed around my heart. He shone His light on the illusion that we can really protect ourselves, and showed me where true safety lies. True peace. True light. I had built a fortress of cards around my heart, thinking it would withstand the hurricane of life – and He needed me to know that the only safe harbor is Him. That in my darkest place, when I forgot who I was, HE never forgot. He never abandoned me. He didn’t expect me get it together and come back to Him when I was fixed … He was with me in it all. “Your walls are ever before me” (Isaiah 49:16) “ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands” (Isaiah 49:16)

Let me be clear. It is one thing to acknowledge that our peace, our joy, or safety doesn’t come from our physical circumstances. But there is another distinction that must be made, and it is this: We say we trust Jesus – but what we mean is that we trust what Jesus will do for us. We ask Him for help – we say we trust Him to provide. But what if His provision is simply His presence?

Let’s back up a few thousand years – to an old man in a desert, arguing with the God of the Universe over the disobedience of a throng of people that God  has relentlessly saved. God has finally decided to send them on their way without Him; nonetheless, He wouldn’t abandon them alone in the desert. He promised to provide for them, to send an angel to walk with them and protect them … aren’t these the very things, the provision and safety, that our needy hearts yearn for?  And yet Moses knew so much more than we do, and he pleaded with God, “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here…” (Ex 33:15)

Let’s race forward 400 years, to David, the man after God’s own heart. The man who knew from experience that even in “the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” (Ps 23) He had lived in fields with the sheep and in the palace of the king and his summary of it all that was, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my life and my portion forever” (Ps 73:26) 

His presence – our portion.  My friend, there are so many more I could tell you about, but the most important words rest in the very promises of God Himself. Read these – just a few of the innumerable verses that help us remember … and let them envelop you in a cloud of promise and strength. Whatever deep need you are facing, there is an answer, and the greatest answer He can give us is His presence. Rest in His embrace. Let Him be your portion and let your heart be free to rest in the only true safety we will ever find.

 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Ps 46:1)

“He will hide me in His shelter on the day of trouble” (Ps 27:5) “

“I will be a hiding place for you,” says the Lord, “a fortress in the day of trouble.” (Jer 17:17)

“For you, O Lord, are a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of distress” (Ps 9:9)

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge, and my Savior” (2 Sam 22:2-3)

 “As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; He shields all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.” (2 Sam 22:31-33)

“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety” (Ps 4:8)  

“I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure” (Ps 16:8-9)

So …what about that day last month when we took that left turn? My heart trembled once again – but this time in eagerness and joy. I longed to touch that red soil one more time and remember – like the Israelites of old who set monuments in places where they had encountered God. In the shadow of my hard memories, the faithfulness of God shines like a beacon. My heart remembers – and I am glad.

Posted in Living this Life

Broken Ground

Posted on by Sara

They dug deep into the dirt that day.

That beautiful pasture with the green grass that runs down into the “holler”.  The field that seems to go on forever now holds a deep red scar of dirt and mud. As I looked at the fresh dirt torn out of the beautiful green field, my eyes filled with tears.

Please don’t be sad for me. These were tears of joy. And that’s the great paradox of it all.

You see, I have waited 15 long years for this day. This day of breaking. The promise was there, the vision never faded. But in the sovereignty of God, the time was not right – until now. But now – oh rejoice with me! Now they are breaking through, turning over dirt, preparing the field.

I’ve seen the plans. I have held the blueprints for what will come. And the building that will rise on that freshly disturbed soil is beautiful. Not just in it’s physical design, but in purpose. And when I think of all that God can do in that place, my heart skips a beat.

I have never been happier to see green grass replaced by rocky piles of red dirt. And I just can’t stop thinking about it.

That morning when they dug into the dirt and my eyes saw visions of a beautiful building? That same morning, my eyes caught sight of a simple verse lying on a page – “You are God’s building” (1 Co 3:9). I caught my breath in wonder, because the meaning is unavoidable. The timing was divine. You don’t need me to spell it out for you – it’s as clear as the sun coming up over the horizon.

I saw before me the green pastures I have carefully manicured in my own life. The plans I had crafted and all the places I have desperately tried to control. I thought of all the times God has dug deep and turned over that soil. Destroying that beautiful green grass and replaced it with a rough scar of red dirt. Some of those scars continue to be fresh and I often wonder why? One can survey a field of unexplained destruction in their life and wonder how a good God can let such things happen.

“What’s that on the ground?” He sings in the background. “It’s what’s left of my heart. Somebody named Jesus broke it to pieces and planted the shards” (Andrew Peterson)

“Even when I call out or cry for help, He shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; He has made my paths crooked…” cries the prophet Jeremiah. “So I say, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord.” (Jeremiah in Lamentations 3:8-9;18)

Are you sitting in a ruined field surrounded by destruction today? Does your life look so different from the one you had envisioned? Does your carefully manicured field, those dreams you once held so valuable now lie in ruin around you? My friend, lift up your eyes! There is hope beyond this mess – our shortsighted eyes may not be able to see it yet – but that doesn’t mean the blueprint doesn’t exist. Beyond that broken red scar of turned up soil lies a promise.

The vision for what will be springs up beautiful and bold in my heart, and thus the destruction becomes a sign of hope.

In the middle of these December days, when the darkness comes early and the air brings a chill, what is God turning over in your life? Right here in the middle of Advent, does your heart beat faster at the sound of Hope? Can we find Him in the middle of our mess and start to anticipate the beauty that will rise on the other side rather than just weep for the destruction of our carefully manicured, controlled spaces?

I think about that verse God started my day with – “You are God’s building” What if I just let it all go? Stopped asking why about all the messy places and started just trusting Him in the middle of the mess? What if I allow the Great Architect to dig up all those places in my life that I have clung to so He can build what He designed so many years ago – since the beginning of time? What if?

I remember Jeremiah and his anguish over the loss in his life. In the midst of his darkest days, how does Jeremiah respond? “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24)

And Andrew Peterson sings on in the background ….

“And they’re coming up green,
And they’re coming in bloom
I can hardly believe this is all coming true.

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that
He shed His own blood.

He loves me, oh He loves me, He does

Posted in Living this Life

Light on a Hill

Posted on by Sara

It’s a long, complicated road, isn’t it? This thing we call life. Yet we trip along, thinking we know where we’re going, with lofty plans and daring dreams.

They say hindsight is 20/20 – sometimes it can serve as a guidebook for how to go forward. These are the stones of remembrance that we set along the way as we go – to remind us of what to hold onto when the waves threaten to take us under.

I’m thinking back to those reckless and wandering days when I lived in Amsterdam, eager to share my Jesus with everyone I could. Those were the days my opportunities were as big as my dreams and the world was a playground. Those were also the days the imbalances in my heart were coming to the surface and I started to lose my way. When your 20 years haven’t prepared you for when your world tips sideways, how do you determine what is true? How do you stop your mind from tunneling into wormholes you can’t find your way out of, with its obsessive thoughts and restless wanderings? I’ve lived many trips around the sun since those days – yet do you feel it with me? Like the world is tipping sideways once again?

Those were the days when I learned a lesson that has shaped my life at many different junctures. A stone was established that I have clung to many times. And I turn there once again. Because I’m guessing you feel it like I do. The voices coming from all directions. They’re telling us to believe a multitude of opposing viewpoints. They can get your mind tunneling into wormholes you can’t get out of and keep you awake at night with obsessive thoughts and restless wanderings that seem to find no end. The anger can seep into your soul and the defensive posture can rob you of any joy you have left.

Do you feel it? The tension all around? When Jesus said that we are in the world but not of the world, I suspect this is part of what He was talking about. So the rock that I cling to? Don’t laugh at the me for the simplicity – maybe just go there with me and breathe deeply of the freedom. From the mouth of David, I hear these words – “lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2

There is a Rock that rises above the fray. A Truth that gives us a firm foundation to stand on. Brothers and sisters, why do we turn to political ideologies and competing theories that abound in all directions when there is a Truth that cannot be shaken? When the news cycle brings us changing perspectives and disappointing information on a daily basis, repeat with me this simple fact: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever”. When you open your social media account to the frenzy of accusations and anger, repeat it again: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” When the anger threatens to consume your own soul, repeat it yet again. Because this, my friend, is how you keep your head when the world is tipping sideways. Find your foundation and cling to it at all costs.

This means, knowing your reason for being. Jesus was 12 when He disappeared from a caravan of people doing what they usually do. He broke the mold and walked a different path. When He was finally found, His simple answer to their concerned questions was “Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?” (Luke 2:49)

Can we all take a deep breath and talk about this for a minute?

What does it mean to be about our Father’s business? As I sat in church 10 years ago on that typical Sunday morning, listening to Gary Smalley talk, I had no idea he was about to forever change the posture of my walk with Jesus. He said words that morning that have shifted the way I see my role in this world. He talked that morning about “building a life according to the guidelines of Scripture”.

Again, please resist the urge to read on too quickly because the simplicity of that statement seems like something we all really know. Stop and read that again – Building a life on Scripture alone. Sola Scriptura – that means not in response to the world around you. Not in response to other’s expectations of you. Not in response to your culture or your family’s patterns. Simply a life built on what our Creator says. Pure and simple. Direct and unmuddied. Jesus said “Seek first the Kingdom of God” (Mt 6:33). C.S. Lewis put it like this – “Put first things first and second things will follow. Put second things first and you lose both first and second things.” I feel like we’ve been focusing an awful lot on second things, and we stand to lose it all. Let’s peel back the layers and get back to what really matters.

Do you feel it? That tremendous weight lifting? The clarity settling in? I’m not talking easy – it’s the hardest task you can undertake. But it’s clear. It goes something like this:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:6-7)

“Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24)

I’ve been camping around this one a lot lately – “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Phil 4:8) Pull up a chair with me, let’s savor this a bit. We need to care for the state of our souls these days – is there any better help than choosing to reign in our thoughts and turning them to the pure, the lovely, the admirable?

Now – turning outward:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only what is helpful for building others up, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29)  (emphasis added)

“Warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thess 5:14)

“… guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge,” (1 Tim 6:20)

“Keep reminding God’s people of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen. Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly… Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.” (2 Tim 2:14)

Let me be extremely bold here. Did you notice that very rarely do any of these statements involve a reaction to anything or anyone? This is a simple clarion call for us on how we ought to live, regardless of how others choose to live, what they say, or how they treat us.

That means, this is for you, follower of Jesus.

Regardless of whether you voted for this president or the previous one.

Regardless of whether you support a vaccine or not.

Regardless of whether you listen to CNN or Fox news.

Regardless of whether you wear a mask or choose not to.

Regardless of any of your feelings on the culture wars that rage around us.

Because we all need Jesus. And those of us who claim the name of Jesus all live under the same guidebook – so let’s stop pretending that it’s ok to set up in different camps and hurl stones at each other. We all have been created by God for good works which He prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph 2:10)  So my question to you is this: What is that good work that He has prepared for you to do? And how are we doing at that?

Let us remember for a moment, that every person who lives and breathes on this planet carries the imprint of God. “Let us make man in our image”, God said in those first days of creation. There is not a soul on this wide earth who skipped over that step. Imago Dei – the image of God. At what point does someone’s political belief or view on current cultural issues give me the right to speak of them in any way other than as someone who carries the imprint of God and is worthy of my respect based on that fact alone? Lewis understood that the eternal destination of every person we meet should color our every interaction when he said, “It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.”

Can we get back to simple basic foundations? And just do that? Let the pundits talk. Let the world spin sideways if it will. Our simple following of a simple truth will do much more good in this world than all the accusations made on social media, all the forwarding of angry opinions and all the defensive posturing. “For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king” (1 Peter 2:15) A little context makes that statement even more powerful. This is the the same Peter who cut off someone’s ear while trying to defend Jesus. This is written in the days when followers of Jesus were being used as human torches and Nero was on a rampage to destroy Christianity. Keep that in mind, put it in persepective with where things are at in our world today, and please, go read it again.

A world is changed when hearts change. I have rarely seen a heart change in response to anger or accusation, but I have witnessed many hearts changed by lifting Jesus up high in all His winsome love, tender mercy and forgiving grace. I have seen one wounded soul declare to another that there is Hope and His name is Jesus. That there is no sorrow or pain that is not covered by the blood of Jesus on the cross. That there is healing when we discover who He created us to be and lay our baggage at the foot of the cross. That trickle of person to person can turn into a wave that can change a country, even a world when they’re not looking. We know our call, we know our Creator, we know the task at hand. Let’s just do that and trust God with the rest.

Is this not enough to occupy an entire life? Of course we need to be well informed and engaged like the men of Issachar from 1 Chronicles 12. But is our myopia deafening us to the cries of the world around us?

Do we weep over young girls being ripped away from the arms of their mothers in Afghanistan as I write these very words? Do we even know about the hundreds of missing and murdered Indigenous women across this continent? Where is our outrage over the thousands of Native American children found buried in mass graves near boarding schools in our own backyard? Helpless people buried alive in crushed buildings in Haiti, others fleeing for their lives under unmentionable circumstances around this world … Does your heart break for the things that break the heart of God or are we so focused on defending our own rights that we don’t even hear the cries of those that God Himself called us to care for? “Learn to do good; Seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow.” Isaiah 1:17

What are we spending the majority of our energy on? Where do we expend our passion? Our influence? When someone walks away from being with you, how do they feel?  Have you invested in their soul? Their eternity? What conversations would Jesus be engaging in right now? Let’s go there with Him and not let the brush fires around us pull us away from the battle for people’s souls at home and around the world.

Brothers and sisters who carry the name of Jesus, let’s fill the minutes of our lives with what matters for eternity. With what can change the state of a heart for ever.  Not what might win us an argument today. “Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season… keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.” (2 Tim 4:2) “

For now, I’m out of words. I’ll just leave this here, with the words of Jesus – “Let your light so shine before others that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven”  Mt 5:14